Jump first, think later. 🏆

I live with anxiety — pretty significant anxiety. It’s mostly people: talking to people, seeing people, being around people, knowing other people exist. It’s not that I don’t like people, it’s just that I live with agoraphobia. So, being visible is a bit disconcerting. 

You get what I’m saying. I’m basically a sweaty ball of nerves when someone even looks at me. Yet, you’d think with that unrelenting anxiety, I’d actually be hesitant to do anything … you know, public?

Oh-ho, how wrong you are, my friend!

I’ve always been a “well, what’s the worst that can happen?” sort of person. Not wonderful advice and it’s definitely gotten me into some sticky situations. But, by and large, it’s actually helped me get to where I am today. 

I simply jump. Details come later. (Usually in a complete panic at 3 am, because I have excellent coping mechanisms.) 

So because I never think before I jump in, I submitted an essay I wrote for The Walrus to the National Magazine Awards. I thought to myself, “meh, I’ll forget all about this because let’s be real, I’m not going to win.”

Sort of like an exercise in bravery. Although I actually did forget about it. And I didn’t even tell my partner.

Well!

Turns out, my essay won! It’s absolutely bananas, I know! 

(Now I’m going to be that cheeky person who writes “award-winning essayist” on all my bios, because why not?)

But this experience also taught me something really important: even though I jump in and think later, I still don’t believe in myself. I’m trying to work on that because, in truth, it’s that confidence that I need in my writing. I need to know that I can just do what it takes to excel. It’s tough, though. Living with mental illness has given my self-confidence a beating. 

Is anyone else like this? Is it just a writer thing? Or is it a me-thing? 

In the meantime, I’ll keep jumping because that’s all I know how to keep moving forward.